Yesterday night sleep was evading me as I had a nice afternoon siesta
being on leave from office! My thoughts then slipped to my childhood and my
house and life in Patna. I could not recall any exciting moment except for a
trip to New Delhi during summer vacations with mom to my maternal grandparent’s
place. Then my thoughts shifted to my son who is such a bholu raam that I feel
worried for him all the time. But then he has inherited this from me! During such
moments of brooding I analyse the weak points within me and they are being too
submissive and always wanting to please others. The darkness of the night
helped me go deeper in to these weaknesses and where from they emerged.
It took me back to my house and to a particular day when I was in Std.
VIII and my sis a class higher. My mom was expecting (my brother was to be born)
and she was on complete bed rest. We sisters were managing our day to day
activities without mom’s help. As usual I went to my parent’s to get ready for
school and there was dad sitting fuming in anger. He gave me a long speech
which I don’t remember much as I was too shocked and confused to understand why
I was being scolded right in the morning. All I can gather today is that it was
about an empty jug of water which had caused “much inconvenience” to my dad as
he had to go thirsty all night. I guess he didn’t know we had a refrigerator in
the house stacked with water bottles! The drama didn’t end here. As my mom was
on bed rest and ours was a joint family my grandmother and chachi (aunt) were
slogging out in the kitchen cooking breakfast. I asked dadi for my lunch box
and was answered with scolding for first taking my mom’s breakfast to her room.
I then felt like crying but controlled myself, did what she said, came back to
the kitchen, collected my lunch box and left for school with my sis. I don’t remember
if both of us had breakfast that morning.
In school I was greeted by my friends, we laughed, we played, my essay
was read out loud to everyone in the class as it was flawlessly written. I was
a happy girl when I was going back home. When we reached home my dad was there
and he hugged me and said sorry for scolding me. But sorry dad what is
ingrained in my mind even today is the scolding for no reason. I reacted to
such incidents in my childhood by accepting my situation and being submissive
all the time. i knew that I am not an important part of my family and hence
always wanted to please everyone. This habit stays on even today and I don’t fight
for whatever wrong happens to me. It is so much ingrained that I am finding it
very difficult to cope with it. Its just that my school has been replaced by my
office where I am appreciated and it gives me the confidence to keep moving in
life.
